I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
