Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she woke up with a sticky ear
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
