a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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