do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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