her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
