That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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