I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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