i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
