i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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