the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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