I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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