Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
