I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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