Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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