I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
