Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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