Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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