Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
