I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
