quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
