Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
