Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
