My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
