so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
