Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
