you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
