i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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