My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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