The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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