Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My bed smells like the plague
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
