They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
