I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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