I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
