i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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