His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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