I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
