I wish I could teleport
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We left an ass print on the piano.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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