she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
