six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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