I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
