We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
