You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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