That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
