I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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