So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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