Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm really busy with my period
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