i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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