i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
