A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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