My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
